7. WHY CAN'T I STOP NUMBING?

My therapist asked me a few weeks ago if I thought I was happy. I honestly couldn't answer her. I know I have happy moments. I know when my mind is distracted enough, I almost believe I am happy. But am I really? No, I think I'm just really good at pretending. Most days I don't really know what to feel or how to feel, or what it is I'm actually feeling. It's so awkward sometimes when people try to share some kind of sad or shocking news with me, because I don't know how I'm supposed to react to that. Am I supposed to feel bad or cry? Someone will be like "oh my God, did you hear about the plane that just crashed? There are 200 confirmed deaths!" And I would be like "oh.. wow... that's sad". Not really sure what else to say about that. And then they stare at me looking for a bigger reaction or some kind of emotion, but I don't really know what to do or say, so I just awkwardly walk away. It's not that I am heartless or don't care though. It's just I don't know how to process or emote on the outside. It's actually easier for me to fake cheerfulness and excitement than to emote sadness. Maybe it's because it is already my natural state of being, so I don't know how else to be more sad, I just end up being blank and monotoned. It also just doesn't really shock me to hear bad news, because the doom and gloom of the world is just reality, and bad things happen. Eventually you just learn to accept it and not be too surprised by the outcome or the headlines. Is that too dark? I'm sorry.

Everyday I find myself just wanting to turn off my brain. I'm stuck in a routine. I wake up, go to work, come home, watch TV, eat, sleep and repeat. I don't have the energy or mental capacity to do anything more. I watch stupid sit-coms and just numb until I'm tired enough to sleep. I create intricate or exciting dreams that I don't want to wake up from, because my dreamland is far better than my reality. I don't want to think. Because when I start to think too much, I just end up digging myself into a deep hole of darkness, anger, and misery. I also like to read books every now and again. I like to get lost in the characters' lives; I like to escape and think about someone else's storyline, instead of my own. I'm always relieved at the happy endings, no matter how predictable and cheesy it may be. I often wonder, if there is a higher power out there, are we all just characters in their story? And if so, how much longer until our happy ending?

I know it's unhealthy to constantly numb and hide from your problems. Because distracting yourself does not actually solve the matter at hand, it's just delaying the inevitable meltdown you might have when you finally snap. It's better to face your issues head on and learn to deal with it in a healthier manner. So I guess that's what my therapy sessions are for. I don't want to be broken anymore. It's so tiring and draining. I just want to be free.

Since I started counselling, and blogging, I feel like a new person. This person is still very much a stranger to me, but also familiar in some kind of way, if that makes sense. It has been helpful to express myself in ways I never could before. There is hope, and a faint light at the end of the tunnel, it will just take me a while longer to reach it. But I won't give up, and neither should you.