19. Reset, Restart, and Survive

Our existence on this planet is much like a game sometimes. The constant struggle to come out on top and win this thing called life. To be honest, this post has been difficult for me to write. I must have rewritten this at least five times in the last several months. I keep trying to come back but I just didn't know how. I didn't know what to say. I realize that it was one year ago this week that I started this blog. I thought it could help me work through some of my darker moments, and in some ways it has, but the journey continues and the demon is still alive. Will it ever die?

It's hard to imagine that once again, we are entering the Fall season of the year. Two thirds of the year have already passed us by, and what do I have to show for it? In 2022, the year ended with a rollercoaster ride of emotions. There was death, there was love, there was self-discovery. The year 2023 started with it's own fair share of emotional explosions. I finally did the one thing I feared the most. I said all of the hateful things I kept to myself out loud and confronted my number one bully - my mother. The result of that was predictable. She denied, I accepted, we pretended like nothing happened. I know, one step forward, five steps back right? The thing about her is, I know who she is. I also know she will never change and admit her faults. So why waste my time and energy trying to convince her? I am so close to my freedom. I've already survived this long, what's another few months?

Freedom. It could not come fast enough. I am just imagining now what it would feel like to finally have it. Is it really possible for me? Because right now it all feels surreal, like a mirage that I can only see but I can't touch. If I believe enough I can almost feel it; it's right at the tips of my fingers. But my arms are not long enough to fully grab it, so I'm waiting. I keep waiting for a fateful force to push us together. It's a real struggle though. My arms are sore and my shoulder is torn. My nails are jagged and my fingers are bleeding raw from only being able to scratch the surface. I am reaching, I am stretching, I am doing everything I can. I am really close but it's still so far. But I know, sooner or later, ready or not, I just have to dive for it. It's the only way. For now, I will just keep playing this game of life. Reset my character, restart the game with a new strategy, and try to survive this time.