20. How Are You?

Oh, what a loaded question that is. How are you? Why do we always greet people with that question knowing full well that the response will just be "fine, and you?", to which you will respond, "also fine, thanks for asking". Yet, no one really responds truthfully. Because if asked that question right now, my honest answer would probably be "miserable as hell". Life is complicated, and messy, and full of heartache. Who really wants to hear about that though? Especially if you've got your own set of problems to deal with, I doubt you'll want to hear about someone else's too. So really, why do we bother asking without listening?

I don't know if it's the season change, or something in the air, but lately, things have not been well, mentally. I'm burnt out and frustrated. I'm stuck in this unwavering pattern of chaos and every now and then I'm just hit with this strong turbulence called life, knocking me to the ground. I am so incredibly tired, trying to keep up with everything. I keep trying to get ahead but this dark shadow that follows me just keeps getting larger and larger, engulfing me, suffocating me. I can't breathe, I can't function. I just cower in my dark corner, wallowing in my self-pity. How can I break free? How can I run when my legs feel so numb? I'm crawling around, trying to find an exit, only to realize I'm stuck in a maze, no freedom in sight. My brain is ready to explode with each painful pulse, temples throbbing, eyes blurry. I've been defeated. I lost the game a long time ago, I just never realized it because I didn't know the rules had changed. It's always changing.

I can't be this person that everyone is expecting me to be. I can't be strong and happy, pretending everything is right in the world, when in reality, everything is so outrageously wrong. The future isn't bright, there's no light at the end of the tunnel. It's just an endless path of darkness, winding and twisting till you've lost all sense of direction. Sometimes, if you look hard enough, there are small twinkles of light far up ahead, but they can't be reached. They're just there to taunt you. Mocking your every move.

So I'm not sure how you are, but right now, I'm pretty messed up. This is my current reality. I guess I'll check in later to see if things have changed. Good luck to us all.