18. LOVE AND DEATH

The past few weeks have really put things into perspective for me. When death is all around you, it really makes you think about life, and the value of people you keep around you. Don't waste time holding onto toxic people in your life. Get rid of all that negative energy. Surround yourself with people that make you feel good, and truly appreciate you the way you appreciate them. And most importantly, don't take for granted the people you love in your life. Cherish them wholeheartedly, and let them know. It's not enough to just say "I love you", but show them in the best way you know how. The little things matter.

I feel so blessed to have met the love of my life when I was so young. After 12 years together, he is still the highlight of my day. He still makes me giggle like a school girl and gives me excited butterflies whenever he looks at me. I love how my hand fits perfectly into his, and the warmth of his body when he wraps his arms around me. I love listening to his heartbeat slowly increase with excitement as I lean into his chest. He makes me feel safe and alive whenever I'm with him. I never realize how suffocated I am until I am next to him, and I can finally breathe again. He's the type of man that will put on a raincoat and tell me to lean on him and cry as much as I need to, with no judgement, and I so very much appreciate and love him for that. He is my best friend, and my shining star when everything else around me is filled with darkness. I've talked a lot about my trauma and my shitty childhood. But everything that has happened to me has led me to him. He is my strength and my silver lining to every dark cloud in my life. He gives me hope for a brighter tomorrow. I know that as long as I have him, I don't need to worry. We will figure it out one day at a time, together. 💗

And personally, I think life is far too short to take shortcuts and worry about all the things you cannot control. I've spent so much of my time worrying about everything, and planning every second of my life since I was 12. News flash - things change, and plans don't always work out the way you want it to. It is nearly impossible to plan for every outcome, and every variable. So why put yourself through all that stress? Instead, let's embrace the unknown and welcome the unpredictable. It might surprise you, in a good way.

We live and we die. The timing of our death could happen at anytime, and we don't always see it coming. But what we do know, is that today, we are alive. And today, we should be living our best selves, whatever that may look like. How do you want to be remembered when you pass? Have any of you thought about this before? I often think about death. I'm not afraid of dying so much as I'm afraid of what I'm leaving behind. Not only will I leave behind all the people I love in my life, but I'm also leaving my memories, and my legacy. However you want to be remembered, is how you should live. I went to a funeral recently and during the service, the speaker said, "don't worry about life after death. Worry about today. How you are in this life, will transfer to your next life. If you are struggling in this life, you will struggle in your next life. If you are thriving in this life, you will thrive in your next life. So don't worry about life after death. Worry about life today and thrive."

I know and understand the pain we all carry as trauma survivors. Some pains are deeper than others and some scars are more visible than others. But no matter the level, pain is still pain, and the scars still remain. It can be so challenging to see the light when there are constant reminders around you, pulling you back into the darkness. But you must remember to breathe. Every day is a new day. You wake up, you breathe in, and you breathe out slowly. You remind yourself that today will be a better day than tomorrow. You don't need to forget the past, and you don't need to forgive the past either. But you do need to welcome the future. And only you can determine what the future will hold for you.

As always, stay hopeful my beautiful warriors. 💟