8. JUST LET ME BE BROKEN

I hate how when you're having a bad day, and all you want to do is feel what you are feeling, then someone comes along and is all "cheer up, Buttercup! You should smile more!" Like no, please fuck off. Just let me process what I am feeling and let me have this moment to myself. I know I have issues and I know I can go into really dark places sometimes, but that's my process. Just let me be.

I know I can't be fixed in a day, or even 10 days or a month. Healing is a journey that will take the rest of my life. There are memories that haunt me; and the cause and effect of trauma that will stay with me for probably eternity, because that's just part of who I am now. I am learning to understand my emotions, my needs, and my limits. And sometimes, I just need to be angry and sad or depressed for a while.

I keep trying to imagine what my perfect life would look like. Then I wonder, if there was a magical genie that can grant me all that I wish for, would I be happy? Would I be satisfied? Am I even capable or worthy of true happiness? I wonder what that feels like. I wonder what kind of wife and mother I will be. Would I be able to escape my mother's influences and be better? My brain is so overwhelmed by all of these worries and fearful thoughts. I feel trapped.

So how do you dig yourself out of your spiral? You could find someone who is just as broken as you are, and lean on each other for support, which is usually what happens to me, as I try so desperately to fill the void inside me. But I'm realizing it is more beneficial to find someone aspiring, to push you, motivate you and help guide you out of the darkness, while still accepting all your little broken pieces. Co-dependency and toxic relationships are never the solution. The hardest part is realizing that your comfort zone is not always your safe zone. When you can walk away from what's familiar, knowing that it was only hurting you, that's when you become a little more whole again. While it is important to surround yourself with good people that will love you unconditionally, it is also important to embrace your battle wounds and love yourself unconditionally first. It's not always easy, and sometimes we all need a little reminding. It's ok to be a little broken, just know, it is never too late take those broken pieces and build something amazing with it. Be strong.