3. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE

Ever since I was a kid, I would hide behind this metaphoric wall that is my life. I would put on this tough armour and try to convince the world I was stronger than I really felt. It also meant pushing away a lot of people. I thought if I acted all nonchalant about everything, and made people think I didn't care, I would somehow protect myself from getting hurt. I realize now that it just made me more alone.

I knew early on that the way I see the world and the way I think and the things I believed is not always on par with what everyone else believes. During my teenage years, I was anti-social and always on the outside. Some of it was out of my control though. My mom didn't believe I was allowed to have a social life. I always had to stay at home, and on the rare occasions I was allowed out, I had strict curfews. I wasn't allowed to have male friends or talk on the phone very often, otherwise I would be interrogated until the grass turned blue. But my peers couldn't understand that. They went out whenever they wanted, wherever they wanted, and with whomever they wanted. Maybe I'm supposed to think I'm lucky though? I had a parent that cared about my wellbeing enough to shield me from the world, whereas, my peers missed out on having parents that were invested in their lives? Right? At least that's what I thought when I was younger to help me sleep at night. I know now that the way I was raised, and the philosophy my parents tried to instil in me was under false pretences. I also know I eventually need to stop blaming my parents and take ownership of my own life and my own choices. I should have been stronger, I should have fought for my right to live, I should have believed in myself when no one else did and stood up for myself. Yeah, there are a lot of things I should have done, but I can't live in regret now. I just feel better knowing it's not too late, and I still have time to take back control in my own life. But I can't do it alone.

I'm tired of pretending I don't care, when I really do care a lot. I'm proud of myself for being so independent and self-reliant, but I also need to admit I don't always know the answers. There should be no shame in asking for help.

If you are out there feeling lonely, and unworthy, and uncertain about everything around you. Please stop. Please know you are not alone, and you don't need to be alone. This world can't function if we trap ourselves into separate little bubbles. We need to be brave enough to pop that bubble and let someone else in. For every terrible person out there that made you feel the lowest of the low, there is another person out there that will be your light and help pick you up and brush off the dust. I can be that person for you, if you let me. Let my stories guide you out of your dark corner. Learn from my mistakes. I wished I had someone tell me they believed in me when I was in a dark place. So let me tell you that I believe in you. Stay strong.