2. ALWAYS THE BLACK SHEEP

You know those days you stare at your reflection in the mirror and think "who am I"? You start tugging at your clothes, and poking at the pimples on your face and you are frustrated with your hair. You hate everything about yourself. At such a young age we are influenced by our surroundings to believe we have to look a certain way, act a certain way, sound a certain way, and think a certain way. But what way is the "right" way for us? In a society where we are often forced to put on certain masks to blend in, in order to move up the ladder, we can't help but lose sight of our true self. What does it mean to be authentic?

It took me a really long time to understand what it means to be true to myself and even still I'm not 100% there yet. I feel like a chameleon most days. I am whatever you want me to be. You expect me to be this outgoing bubbly person, okay, sure, I can do that. Allow me a moment to adjust my tone to sound more chipper for your benefit; so you don't get hurt feelings when I'm not matching your energy. You suddenly need me to be the rebellious risk taker because you're too scared to go at it yourself? Alright, no problem, I will put it all on the line for you. You need me to protect you? You got it! I'm a Class-A Bitch right here. Show me who I need to stand up to, I've got your back!

So many expectations to satisfy the needs of others. What about my needs? Everyone has an opinion and think they know me. To which I ask, really? Because I barely know myself, so how is it possible that you know me better? My entire adolescent / teenage years was a blur. I did and said whatever I needed to get the most people off my back. Somewhere along the way, I completely lost myself. But then again, was I ever really myself? If you had read my first post, "BACK TO BASICS", then you know about my dysfunctional childhood. I was in constant survival mode. I lived in fear every day and I became this person under a hard shell because I had no choice. I lied to my friends because I was too ashamed to admit what my life was. I lied to my parents because I wanted to stay alive. Eventually lying was second nature to me. I didn't think twice about it, I could make up stories on the spot and you would believe me. I was a "pathological liar" as my brother once called me. But I know that's not who I am. It's who I had to become. There's a difference. And I don't want to be that person, not now, not ever again. In the last few years I've tried really hard to live authentically and wholeheartedly, whatever the hell that means right? I'm trying to challenge myself to become a critical thinker. A little difficult to do after years of turning off my brain. But I'm training myself to really look deep within and find my moral compass, to find my true perspective and understand a little more about the type of person I want to be, someone I can be proud of, and how I can get there.

I know that I will never be what society expects me to be, and I'm learning to be okay with that. Below is a poem I wrote when I was 11 or 12 years old. Still rings true today! I think I was always meant to be a writer.... ;)

I'm not your average girl -

Just breathing in this world.

I don't have super powers;

The fear I have devours.

There's no mercy to living -

When all I'm doing is giving,

Receiving nothing in return,

I just let these feelings burn.

And if you look closely within -

You'll see I'm not giving in;

I'm too different to care;

I'll just knock you with a glare.

But if you know me well enough -

You'll know I try to be tough,

I don't mean no harm -

Don't ring the alarm.

I'm just trying to be me;

So please let me be.