17. WILTED ROSE

Grief. Whether you are grieving a death, or a loss of friendship/relationship, or even grieving for the part of yourself that you've lost along the way, the pain is all the same. This unbearable weight that consumes you. Making it hard to breathe. This heaviness you feel on your chest, and this throbbing headache that you have, it takes a big toll on you. The wave of sadness that envelopes you, making you want to distance yourself from the people around you. But still, you put on a brave face, and you soldier on. The world doesn't stop just because you're sad. There's work that still needs to be done. Things you still have to do. At least that's what I tell myself. Is it the most healthy or productive way to heal? Probably not. So how do you deal with it all?

This past year have been a hell of a ride for me. Just one thing after another, and it's all been really testing my strength. Most recently, my grandmother died. I was never close to her. In fact, it was pretty clear that she never really liked me or approved of me anyways. But still, family is family, and it's hard not to feel some type of way when they pass. But the thing is, I'm not upset by the death itself. I'm upset by the way the death happened. Murder by way of severe negligence from my aunt. So here I am, more angry than anything. And you see, I believe in second chances, and I believe past crimes should not define a person in the present. But the crime committed by my aunt? I don't think I could ever forgive, and the idea of that hurts me more than anything. Going against everything I believe in. So of course, not only did I lose my grandmother, I'm losing additional family members along the way. And that, makes me truly sad. My relationship with my family is already pretty rocky, and I already don't have many people I can count on. This additional loss is really effecting me lately. My processing journey has been quite the rollercoaster - I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm crying, I'm laughing. I don't even know what I'm feeling, or what I'm doing. I'm just so emotionally overwhelmed and stressed out. But I know I can do better. I'll be fine. At least that's what I want to believe. Maybe not right away, but soon.

I don't know who needs to hear this. But if you are out there, grieving, or feeling some kind of loss, or even the feeling of losing yourself, let me know. So many people are ashamed or embarrassed to reach out to support groups, or put themselves out there and be vulnerable. But I truly believe you can't heal by yourself. Support from relatable people around you, and having a strong network of people that believe in you, that helps.

As always, stay strong my beautiful warriors. Love y'all. 💗