16. THE FALLEN APPLE

You know how people often say, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree"? Well, I hate that saying. I hate it because the implication that I am just like my parents, scares me. We are the product of our parents' DNA. We can argue nature vs nurture, and what has more impact on our lives. Our families, our relationships, our history, our experiences, they all contribute to who we are today. Nurture, being our surroundings and outside influences, can change. But we can't change our DNA. We can't change our blood. We are who we are. So how do you change yourself if who you are is not ideal?

For most of my life, I have been told I am not good enough. I love to sing, and often as a kid I would sing in my room. Until one day my mom told me "you are not a good singer and you sound terrible. You should stop trying to sing". So now I don't sing in front of people. I wanted to be a lawyer growing up. Again, my mom told me I wasn't good enough. She said "if you can't win an argument with me, you aren't good enough to be a lawyer". And let's face it, no one can win an argument with her, especially when she fights dirty, all the time. I wanted to be a psychiatrist and research mental health. My mom said I wasn't smart enough or focused enough. Every day of my childhood life, and even most of my young adult years, I have been shot down. I never received any kind of encouragement. The most influential and important people in my life kept doubting me, so eventually I stopped believing in myself. I just did the bare minimum to get by. Because what's the point? I will never be good enough. I would constantly be compared to my "perfect" older brother. He is very smart and very successful. I would be compared to other people's children, who seemingly had more wealth than I did. Whenever my mom described me, it was always "oh yeah, her EQ is much higher than her IQ". It's like saying, yeah she's not very smart, but at least she's nice. Great words of encouragement, mom. It's what every child wants to hear.

At some point, it's hard to ignore the insults. It's hard to not feel discouraged and powerless. I look at my life and I am disappointed in myself. I am stuck in a rut, just like my parents. I am failing in life, just like my parents always have. I am following in their footsteps in becoming a low class citizen, just barely getting by. And I know I could be doing so much more. But I am scared. I lack the mental strength to pick myself up. I lack the physical energy to break patterns and routines. I am just so tired. And I'm scared to put myself out there and let the world see the real me, because what if they don't like what they see? What if my mom was right all along and I am just not good enough? Just like my parents aren't good enough. My social anxiety gets the best of me, because I hate talking to new people, or meeting new people. I get self-conscious because all I am thinking in my head is "what if I sound like a complete idiot right now, and they can tell I am not smart? That I'm just faking it till I make it?"

And then there is the darkness. I think we all have a monster inside of us. Not a scary monster in the traditional sense. But a protector. I believe if we are pushed far enough over the edge, the monster within us will come out and fight. We are all capable of doing bad things under the right circumstances. And maybe this is my Gemini self coming out, but I have known since I was a kid that I do in fact have a dark side. I embrace the doom and gloom, and I thrive in chaos. Probably because it is all I have known. I also know the monster inside me is dangerously violent and angry and very much capable of torture. And I know this monster within me has been years in the making, growing inside of me, as a response to the abuse I've received as a child. Most days I can suppress it and pretend it doesn't exist. And then there are days my imagination runs wild and I'm trapped in a dark cave, fighting to find the light again.

So yeah, I guess it's true, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But a fallen apple, even a bit bruised, is still good.

Thank you for joining me on my pity party. I am trying really hard to flip the switch in my brain and allow myself the strength to grow and transform. This bitching and whining is part of my healing process, and I am still holding out for the happy ending in my life story. It's taking me on a lot more detours than I would have liked, but I know I'll get there. I have to.