10. LIVING WITH A BULLY

As a kid, we were taught to either one - stand up to your bullies and show them your strength, or two - be nice and show no reaction; eventually the bullies will go away on their own. So what happens when you live with your bully and neither options work? You can try to empathize. You know how they say, bullies are often bullied themselves, or hurt people hurt others. Oftentimes bullies are just overcompensating for the lack of control or support they have in other areas of their lives. I think the only way to deal with your bully, is to first understand your bully. Only then, can you break the cycle.

You would think growing up the way I did, with the mom I had, I would be long gone by now. Unfortunately it is not that simple. I'm ashamed to admit it, but she still has so much control over me, and I hate it. I've been told many times to just "cut the umbilical cord" and let her figure it out on her own. But I can't do that. I can't because I know she has no one else. She's hurting too - probably more than me.

Unfortunately my parents grew up in a generation and in a culture where mental health is not talked about. My mom left her country, her family, and her entire life behind, to follow a man to a new country across the globe, while raising a toddler. She didn't speak the language, and she couldn't work, so she just became a stay-at-home mom. She was forced to give up all her dreams because my dad had promised her a more fulfilling life in this new country, and teased her with hopes of opportunity and success. Well, my dad is also the type of person that likes to take shortcuts and give up when things get tough. So all that dreaming and hoping, was for nothing. He's been hopping around from one dead-end labour job to another, working minimum wage for the last 35 years. It wasn't long before resentment settled in and my mom hated my dad for what he had done. And of course divorce was so taboo back then and she had too much pride to go back to her home country and admit she had made a mistake. So she just became stuck in this loveless marriage. Trapped in a life that is not really her own. It's probably why she hated me so much when I was a kid. I was a constant reminder of her failure.

Over the years, I've been watching my mom and trying to understand her, to maybe justify her ways. I remember being a kid and whenever my mom would be upset at us, she would threaten death. She would scare us by holding a knife to her neck and threaten to kill herself in front of us until we begged her not to. She would hit herself over and over again in front of us until we pulled her away. She would run out to the streets and try to get herself killed by a car. I've been seeing this kind of behaviour since I was 5. These are not images I can easily forget. No child should have to see their parents in such tragic ways. And then there was the guilt trip, where even if you were right in the beginning, by the end of it, you were still wrong. Whenever you argued with her and called her out for her own selfishness or bad behaviour, she would literally kneel down in front of you and beg for mercy and say stupid shit like "I'm so sorry I've wronged you my child, I'm so sorry I've been such a terrible mother. I beg of you, please forgive me or please kill me. I don't deserve you". How the fuck are you supposed to respond to that with you're only 12?! Looking back now, I realize, she probably really did want to die. And the only reason why she never could go through with it, is because suicide is considered an unforgivable sin in her religion and she could never survive in Hell for the rest of eternity. So instead, she lives everyday in shame and regret.

Her violent outbursts and psychotic episodes persisted until I was about 22. And that's only because I bought her a house, and she knows I'm the only one that actually cares about her. Now she wants to be my bestfriend, thinking we can be the new Gilmore Girls or something. No, mother, unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I can't just flip a switch like that. And now, I am burdened by her depressive state. She doesn't leave the house unless I take her somewhere. She doesn't make effort to see the one friend she has here in this country. Every day she just stays at home and watches her shows. Now that my brother and I are all grown, her only purpose is to make dinner for me and my dad. And to be honest, I don't really need her to cook for me, so really she's just cooking for my dad, whom she hates, but she is obligated as the "dutiful wife".

The hardest part is walking away and setting boundaries. For the longest time, my mom would be jealous of my relationship with my boyfriend. She would be upset if I wanted to spend more time with him and take a weekend trip somewhere, or just live my own life. She didn't like it when I wanted to hang out with my friends. She would ask me a million questions, why am I going out, where am I going? With who and for how long? She acted clingy and got mad like a jealous girlfriend. The only way to make her happy again was if I bought her a small gift, usually clothes or jewelry. She tells me she's upset if she doesn't see my face everyday; she finds every excuse possible to stand next to me when I'm in the kitchen, or she will text me nonstop about some nonsense thing that I really don't care about. It's so stupid that even now, I still have to tell her my whereabouts and report to her my every move. The only difference is now I don't ask for permission, I just tell her this is what I'm doing, and if she gets upset, then so be it. She will give me the silent treatment for a week, and then be all good again when she needs a favour from me.

Everyone tells me I'm such a good daughter for taking care of my mom. I'm really not though. I'm really quite selfish. I just stay because I feel obligated. I know she's lonely. I know she's depressed. And I know she gets upset when I don't take her out on the weekends. But I'm also 31 years old. I need to break free and have my own life. I can't live with her forever. Eventually I will be married and have my own place with my husband. What will she do then?

Even though she's hurt me in so many ways, I know she's hurting more, and I can't walk away from that. Call it the natural empath in me. I just feel really bad for her. I do wish her happiness, I just can't be the one to give that to her all the time. So how do I survive living with my bully? One day at a time. One day I will find the strength to walk away. Until then, I'm at peace knowing it's not personal. It's not me, it's her.